Honestly speaking.

I go through this life with an observant eye. I read a lot. I research a ton. I listen intently. I read stories sometimes about motherhood or relationships or marriages and they are super beautiful and mesmerizing. I see pictures my friends post on FB and Instagram and I’m sometimes in awe of their lives. Kids are playing at the park, or picking flowers, or helping Mom and Dad bake in the kitchen and I’m like, woah, their lives are spectacular. I see a lot of posts about healthy eating and exercising and honor roll and I am sitting there watching with stars in my eyes. As my child is throwing the biggest tantrum in the whole wide world and my food is burning in the oven, I am like, wow. I’m missing something. Or am I. I want to write honestly. Because secretly, I want to run across stories sometimes that I can actually relate to. I love my life, and I love my daughter, and motherhood is truly the most amazing thing in the whole universe. Relationships are also messy and confusing and I don’t think we are failures because we speak the truth. It’s actually refreshing sometimes to see the messiness because then I don’t feel so alone. I want to talk about the weird stuff for a minute. And I don’t want to post it in bullet point style. It’s all going to run together messy and out of order because, well, that’s just how I like it to be.

Some of my photos are staged. Ok, a lot of them are. If I took an honest picture of my daughter sitting in my living room while playing Monopoly, you would see dirty socks in the background. A plate full of chicken nuggets and french fries on the table (processed food because I didn’t want to cook. Not because I was too tired, but because I just really didn’t want to cook). And she wouldn’t be smiling. She would have the look of “MOM. Stop taking stupid pictures and play the game with me” smile on her face. Dirt. I love when my daughter plays outside. Truly, I do. It’s super cute to see her dirty hands and face and watch her jump around in puddles. But as I’m watching her, I’m also thinking about the many hours I’m going to spend washing her clothes and sewing the holes in her jeans. I feel so good admitting this. I don’t regret it at all.School projects.So much fun. Great learning experience. Love the hands on approach the schools are encouraging. But come on, seriously. Most of the projects are completely over their heads and the parents end up doing most of the work. Let’s talk about homework. I’m 36 years old and I don’t know how to do 5th grade homework. I don’t want to ever…do 5th grade math. And, PTA? No thank you. I’m not interested. Relationships. They are super messy. When I was going through difficult times in my marriage, I remember feeling so alone. It was so shameful to me to go through those tough times. I would go out to dinner and look around at all of the seemingly happy couples and think to myself….is this for real? Did that couple over there get into a fight on the way to the restaurant because she took too long getting ready? Because we did. Did that couple argue about the fact that he spends way too much money on frivolous things and skips paying important bills? Because we did. And did that couple over there almost turn around and go home? Because we did. Relationships aren’t pretty. They are tainted and flawed and beautiful, but they take work and consistency and grace. I learned that the hard way. Once you have kids, life will never the same. I was just talking about this the other day with my friend who does not have children. Life will truly never be the same. “Say goodbye to sleep.” Sleep changes. You don’t get to stay out all night and come home at 2 am and sleep until noon the next day. But you get to wake up at 2 am by the sweetest little baby who only has eyes for you. You get to hold her in your arms and rock her to sleep and wake up at 4 am only to fall in love all over again. “Forget romantic nights out with your husband.” Cozy little tables for two in a fancy restaurant may temporarily be a thing of the past. But you get to watch him across the kitchen table fall in love with your child. As they wrap their little hands around his finger, you see the look of true love in his eyes and that is enough to make your heart skip a beat or two. “Labor is the most painful thing you will ever experience.” It’s pretty painful. It hurts an awful lot and it’s uncomfortable. But that pain is bearable and forgettable when you hear your baby’s voice for the first time. And that moment your baby lays upon your chest, skin to skin, is completely indescribable unless you have lived it. I wish I would have read books like that when I was expecting. Life will never be the same, but in the best possible way. I don’t always believe the Pinterest quotes I post. Sometimes I post them for passive aggressive purposes. I don’t even feel like I need to elaborate. I’m not confident that my daughter brushes her teeth. I ask her a billion times every morning if she has, and she swears to me that she does. She offers to let me feel her toothbrush to prove she brushed them. But honestly, she could have just ran it under the faucet as far as I’m concerned. She also offers to let me smell her breath to prove she brushed them, and I’m like, oh hell no. Small talk bothers me sometimes and makes me super uncomfortable. When someone I barely know asks me how I’m doing, I really want to honestly tell them how I’m doing. I want to see the look on their face when I veer from the typical “good, how are you” response and tell them that I’m really crappy and life sucks today and that I feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown. When a guy I’m really into refers to me as his friend rather than his girlfriend, it really sort of sucks. This life is not rainbows and butterflies and it bothers me to the core when I see people depict their lives as such. I crave honesty and I’m not hoping we all display our demons, but damn it, it’s ok to be real. Oh, and I like to drink wine. Sometimes it’s all I have for dinner. The end.