Of Faith and Men.

I thought for many years that words spoke louder than anything else. I’m learning lately how completely wrong I have been all along. After many failed relationships and a failed marriage, I have learned that words are very fascinating. “I love you” is easy to say and it’s a natural progression in a relationship. I think we say it while not fully understanding what it means. I know, that may sound really whack, but it’s really true. We tend to use it to fill up space in a conversation when it’s going south. We use it as closing statement. We use it when we feel our partner finally listens to us. We use it when they give us something. They buy that piece of jewelry we have been eyeing for months and we love them. I am learning at a very slow pace that love is shown through different means. Love is holding my hand when I’m scared to death in that waiting room at my doctors office. It’s frustration when I’m throwing punches in the air but letting me feel my feelings through anyway. It’s listening to an apology you thought you weren’t even interested in hearing. It’s understanding that words are words and they are not absolute. Love is intensely more than just a word. It’s like, everything else.

I believe in God. Yet I haven’t believed in Him my whole entire life. When I was younger my mom would always take us to Sunday school and religion was engrained in my mind and eventually turned into my beliefs at an early age. As I got older and life started wearing me thin I completely stopped believing. I will not get into the details of my journey but I do know that after dealing with the lowest of lows, I began focusing on my spiritual path. I believe with my whole heart that my life started to gain momentum and I started to experience personal growth as I have never experienced before. My relationship with God is far from easy. It’s not a walk on the beach. It’s rough. It’s a love full of doubt and worry and uncertainty and joy and peace and it’s difficult. It’s a perfect storm. I learn about Him through the pages of a book. Thousands upon thousands of words upon words. Many different versions and interpretations of the word. I don’t know about you, but it’s the same experience I have in relationships. We hear every single word differently.

Another topic that is brought up so much in relationships is passion. What happens to the early stages of a relationship when you just can’t get enough of that person? Typically the first year is the best year. You go on lots of dates. Hold hands. Kiss like mad. Fights are minimal but they are exciting and passionate and the making up is so sweet. You stay up until 3 am talking about everything and nothing at all. You get butterflies when you see their name appear on your phone and their mere touch can send an insane rush of excitement through your body. In every single relationship I have been in, those moments tend to occur less and less as the months go by. As you start doing life together, you start to settle into routines and plans and monotony. I will be the first to say that I equate passion with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. If I’m crying about feeling neglected and unwanted and my boyfriend is looking at me with a puzzling stare, it is beyond hurtful. I wonder why my level of passion is not equal to his level. In those moments I feel like the louder I become, the quieter he is, and it’s downright maddening. Passion is just a word. We hear it differently, don’t we? He hears passion as white noise. It’s ineffective. It’s a sign for being out of control. I hear it as movement. It’s motivation. It’s effective. We will never see it the exact same. It wasn’t until our last argument that I started seeing the world through his eyes a bit. I didn’t care at that moment whether or not he saw it through mine. In a sense I started shaming him for not feeling passion the same way I do and I didn’t even realize I was doing it. Is it fair for us to believe that our significant other has to fit the entire list of our wants and needs? Am I that lofty to believe that I fit his? If I want to vent about my crummy day, I know which girlfriend to call. She finishes my sentences and she agrees with absolutely everything I say and she’s on my side 100%. Why do I need that from him?  I have been so fixated on finding a partner who is on my side 100% and who finishes my sentences and who can match my personality. It’s a self serving sort of love.

I feel like we are all guilty of praying to God for some self serving sort of reason. God, I hope I can stretch this $5 I have I my bank account until I get paid again. God, I hope that my boss will be nice to me this week so that I don’t lose it. God, I hope the weather is nice next weekend because I have outdoor plans. God, I hope I have a good hair day because I have a huge meeting tomorrow. God, please send me Mr. Right, because I’m so sick and tired of getting all of the losers. Love isn’t asking for something and receiving it. I think it’s more than that, and I think we need to rethink the way we view love.

It’s faith. It’s lowering our expectations. I’m not suggesting we settle….I just mean we lower our expectations so that we can experience a love like none other. I don’t need a perfect love. I need work. Compromise. Struggles. I need to experience the lows so that I can appreciate the highs. When you place so many demands upon another human being, they become unattainable to you. You will never quite experience them because they don’t fit your perfect mold. You are always waiting. Waiting for them to actually listen to you. Waiting for them do take you on that date you have been begging for. Waiting for them to answer that prayer you have been praying for the past 10 years. Yet, in that waiting? You miss them. You end up missing the sweetest parts of them. You miss the love that was meant to be for you. And you end up missing out on like, everything.