Two thousand seventeen in review.

Four years ago I started this little blog of mine to feed my artistic soul. I thought only about 5 people would view it and it would fizzle out. I am so unbelievably proud that through the years, I have received many texts and comments from friends and family letting me know that they have found themselves within the pages of my posts. Hundreds and thousands of views later, I am in awe and super appreciative that you have taken the time to read my rants. Once upon a time I was told that I would never amount to anything without a certain person by my side, so thank you a thousand times over.

This past year has been so very interesting, to say the very least. I went though a heck of a time professionally. I have always been so proud of my work ethic and I have always been able to weather storms, but this past year was ridiculously challenging. I felt as if I was questioned on the daily. I was being second guessed. I wasn’t a shining star and I wasn’t a favorite any longer. It took a whole lot of set backs to really humble myself and I used those moments to reflect and to change. The biggest lesson in business that I have learned is that I don’t have to roar the loudest. I can sit back and observe and I can revel in the newness and embrace change and I can learn just about anything. Change is super daunting to me and I have learned that it’s alright to admit that and it’s alright to apologize for my shortcomings. I am not perfect.

I have had my heart broken a thousand times. This past year is no different. If you have followed any of my blogs, or have simply known me for a period of time, you will know instantly that I love hard and recklessly. Oftentimes I do not pay attention to warning signs and I jump in with my eyes wide open. I experienced one relationship in particular that sort of made me take a step back. I don’t think that relationships happen haphazardly. I believe they exist intentionally. I think that I needed to feel the ebb and flow of this particular one because it was so eye opening to me. I loved so huge and I also despised so greatly. I created a lot of doubt and insecurity in this person because I was so unsure about my own self. I deeply regret casting those feelings upon him but I feel like we are better off. I have learned in relationships to not produce walls. I am so convinced that walls have roots and once they are torn down, they grow up taller and stronger. Boundaries are ok. I will not accept this and I will not stand for that. I am convinced that relationships thrive upon healthy boundaries. I want a love who understands it’s not all rainbows and butterflies and smooth sailing. I want a person who chooses me every single day while I choose him right back. There’s a boy who entered my life without any warning and I think I am lucky that the universe has pushed him and I into one another. I hope with my whole heart that we are both ready because he makes me smile a lot and I would like this feeling to last for a long while.

Single parenting is not for the faint of hearts. I don’t want to dwell upon my situation, but I am unfortunate enough to not have the other parent in the picture. Children need both parents in their lives, and while I have tried so hard to facilitate that in our particular situation, it’s just not destined to be. I am both Mom and Dad and I am raising a teen, and god damn, it’s more than difficult. This past year has been one hell of a ride. I have seen her vulnerabilities and her strengths and her failures and her apologies and her everything in between. I have witnessed her coming into her own. She is a little body full of heart and love and dislike and she is opinionated and realistic and idealistic in the same breath. She is immaturity thrown into a world of making her grow up way too quickly and she is navigating those channels the very best she can. She is the very source of my gray hair and the deepest of my laugh lines upon my face. She is going to change this world someday and I have every single ounce of hope that she will make it a thousand times better. She is truly maddening and magnificent simultaneously and it’s that fire which is necessary to provoke change. She’s the very best.

I am entering 2018 the healthiest (physically) I have ever been. This past year I decided to make a change. I started to take trips solo and I began to travel upon paths unknown. I have traveled to the ocean and I have stumbled upon paths along rivers and lakes that I have never ever taken. I have met some amazing people along the way and I have shared some drinks and most importantly some amazing conversations. Some of those people will become lifelong friends and some of them were only meant to be in my space for that particular moment in time. I love my solo adventures and I while I have been so frightful of them in years past, I am no longer afraid. I understand how to keep myself safe and I know how to find myself when I am lost and I know how to ask for help. I love human interactions and I believe that there is such goodness in the world. I’m lucky to have experienced a ton of it. Here’s to another year!

Next year I will be forty. It used to be a difficult number for me to mutter, but I am embracing it with my whole entire being. I am more certain of myself than I have ever been. I am not a stranger to apologizing for my mishaps or for throwing my hands up in the air when I can’t figure something out. I am going to fail continuously and I am going to forgive myself on the daily. We catch ourselves saying all of the time “life is too short” yet it’s the longest thing you and I will ever experience. It’s time to live it fully and completely and without abandon. It’s time to forgive those who have hurt you. Understand those who have misunderstood you. Love the humans who hate you most. And follow that beautiful soul of yours. Embrace all of years and months and minutes and seconds which have led you to this very moment. Hello, 2018.