This kooky year in review.
It’s been a wild ride. I made a promise to myself years ago that I would never again make another New Years Resolution. They are lofty and mostly unattainable and they beg to be broken. I’m a fan of working on my health and wellness all throughout the year rather than January 1st. Resolutions have always been odd to me. We live in a very rapid moving world and we have a very “now” mentality. We want a new iPhone, TV, new boots, new car…we want it now. And if we don’t have the cash for it, we can charge it and pay later. Yet, if we want to quit smoking or lose weight or curtail our frivolous spending, we wait. The materialistic things in life? We want them when we want them, which is right now. Our well being? That can wait. We’re an odd bunch.
This past year has been a crazy ride of ups and downs and everything in between. It’s been great, it’s been not so great, it’s been a blessing, it’s been pretty difficult to navigate, and it’s been interesting. I have fallen in and out of love. I have let go of some friendships that weren’t adding any real value to my life. I am surrounded by the some of the most strongest men and women I know. My friendships are my everything. I couldn’t possibly walk this crazy life without them in it. I am so blessed to have an amazing family which I believe to be pretty hardcore. We have weathered some pretty angry storms all the while soaking up the sunshine from the break in the clouds.
I have learned an awful lot about myself. I have rediscovered my love of words. I may not be super great at writing, but I’m super in love with it. I have journals all over my house and in my car and in my purse and I never miss an opportunity to write something down. It can become a beautiful poem or a hot jumbled mess. Either way, I’m happy to write about everything and nothing at all.
I have learned that this life isn’t made up of absolutes. Nothing is forever and this world isn’t black and white. I have had my heart broken a billion times and I may have hurt a few as well. Relationships that I thought would last forever ended sometimes just as briskly as they began. I have a tendency to internalize every single failed relationship in my life. I am analytical by nature and I pick it apart down to the minute. Sometimes even seconds. Ever since I was little, I was super observant. I am probably the worst person to go out to dinner or be in a crowd with. My eyes are constantly wandering and I’m trying to figure people out and study body language. My problem is that I tend to do that in relationships as well. I can’t just take things for face value, and while I’m a fan of words, if the body language and the vibe doesn’t match up, it drives me mad. I have probably destroyed some pretty potentially great relationships because I’m super good at pushing people away. I tend to believe that those relationships which never quite took flight were clever little stepping stones placed before me to lead me to something greater. I’m a pretty lucky girl, absent of a man, and completely on my own. But, there is this guy that I happen to adore. And I’m pretty sure he is aware.
One of my greatest accomplishments in my life is my daughter. We fight like mad but we love even harder. This life is difficult as a single parent, but I’m doing this life with her the very best I can. I will not get into her personal life, but man, this life has thrown us some curveballs. She is every bit of strong and lovely and tough and super sensitive. She’s a perfect little mixture of crazy emotions in a world full of love and hate and she’s figuring out how to fine tune it all. Well. Aren’t we all.
I think we need to stop waiting. I think that in those moments where we are right in the middle of the chaos and the madness, there is much clarity. We realize pretty quickly what we want and/or what we don’t want. I don’t want to be so scared that I miss out on some greatness. And while I believe this world is made up of some pretty dark and daunting and tragic times, I believe it’s pretty fantastic. I say we throw this idea of starting over on January 1st out the window. I say rather, we reflect on the past year and all of the years leading up to it and we thank our lucky stars to be alive. Because January 1st is going to come and go just like every other day has. It’s these moments, right now, as you’re reading this. Or the moments when you drop to your knees and pray. The moments where your daughter comes up out of nowhere to give you a great big hug for no apparent reason. The moments where you take that leap of faith and accept a new job offer. That moment where you meet someone and your heart skips a beat, and you feel cheated because you missed out on them for so many years. Those are the moments I don’t want to wait for. Pretty frivolous of us to throw those moments away because of waiting.
