Top 8 Misconceptions While Dating (according to me)

I subscribe to many blogs and I have a plethora of magazine subscriptions and I find myself lost in the “Life Lessons” section of the Huff Post. “Five Tell Tale Signs He’s Not That Into You”. “Four Signs Your Relationship Will Fail.” “Ten Ways to Save Your Marriage.” “20 Ways to Capture His Attention.” While I balk at these titles, I still read them, and sometimes I even share them on my FB page. Some are interesting and some are funny and others are so sad that I truly hope nobody follows any of the advice they just read. The thing about those”Top 10 Ways” lists is that they work well for the person who wrote them. They have been tried and true for one human being. There isn’t a cookie cutter approach to relationships. I haven’t met a perfect one yet, and I never will. I will be the first to say that when I see people who depict theirs as such, I laugh on the inside. And sometimes out loud. Not that I revel in others misery, but it’s that I appreciate the honesty. It hit me the other day when I was talking to a friend about dating do’s and don’ts these days especially when you have been out of the game for a billion years. I started laughing at some of my advice. And I think the blank stare on my friends face was their polite way of saying “oh yeah. I’m totally not listening and you really suck at this.” Because I sort of do. All I know are my truths, and what works for me will not work for you, and I’m divorced, so clearly the secret to an everlasting relationship is lost on me. Although, I have learned some things along the way. So here we go….

1. Don’t go to bed angry.
You know that artwork that people place above their beds that say “always kiss me good night” or “never go to sleep angry.” Yeah. I’m going to have to disagree. When I’m angry about something and it’s time to go to bed, I want to go to bed. The last thing I want to do is kiss him and hug him and pretend everything is alright just so we can have pleasant dreams. Because in reality? I’ll kiss you really quick on the lips and stomp up the stairs to cry myself to sleep anyways and then wake up in the morning and post some real passive aggressive shiz on FB about how angry I am. I’m not always ready to move past the argument at night before I go to sleep. Sometimes sleep is just the only way I can get away from him and get him out of my thoughts for several hours. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to let a fight linger sometimes that way each person can move on from it organically and not have to sweep it under the rug because some writing on the wall tells me to.

2.  Don’t call him. He’s the guy, wait for him to call you.
Um. I’m in my mid 30’s and if I want to initiate a conversation with someone, I totally will.

3.  Wait for “The One”
I don’t truly believe we ever find “The One.” I think we end up finding the one human being whose little annoyances are more manageable than all of the others. The one you can actually tolerate listening to while he chews his food. Or the one who tells the same exact same joke at every single social gathering because it’s the only one he’s got but you laugh because he tells it slightly different every time. The one you don’t want to kill when he asks if you’ve done something different with the recipe knowing that the reason he’s asking is because he thinks it tastes like crap. The one you don’t want strangle when you finally become brave enough to squeeze into that lingerie that has been collecting dust for the past 10 years and you find him asleep on the couch. You walk up to him, kneel down, kiss him on the forehead, throw a blanket over him, and make that chocolate fudge sundae you have been salivating over all day. You find the one that makes you appreciate the struggle.

4.  Your insecurities will push him away.
I make no qualms about my insecurities. I don’t let them take over my life, but I have definitely got them, and some of them seem to be here to stay, and others I hope will be lessened in time. I am that girl. The one who is out to dinner with her boyfriend and who can’t focus when she sees his gaze fixated on something other than her. As I follow his eyes and stumble upon that 25 year old size 4 waitress, I find myself with my head down and slowly slouching into my chair. I don’t think that makes me less of a woman, I think it makes me an honest one. And one day, I will find that person who finds beauty in all that I am. And gladly take the responsibility and find it to be his “job” to round off the edges in those insecurities. I say own it. It’s what makes you…you.

5. If he spends money on you, it means he cares about you.
I have been on some pretty amazing first dates in my lifetime. I have been whisked away to Hawaii, I have enjoyed 5 star restaurants, wine tasting and I have had walks on the beach. The beginning stages of most relationships are based upon these elaborate dates. Getting all dressed up and going somewhere fancy is exciting and most of us look forward to those types of courtships. I also find it just as beautiful to be invited over to his house for dinner with music playing, lights down low, a little bit of wine (ok, a lot), slow dancing in between the slower parts of cooking, all while the kids are running around like mad breaking things. Money is fleeting. It’s here today and gone tomorrow. It’s great while you have it, and it’s scary as hell when you don’t. But those moments of just the two of you while the world is spinning and you look into his eyes amidst the madness and you feel your heart skip a beat or two. Ah. That’s the good stuff.

6.  Before you start dating, create a list of what you want and don’t want.
Lists are so absolute. I can’t stand them. I don’t even make grocery lists, because I don’t want to be confined to that. I want to walk down and aisle and just figure it out as I go. I remember right after my divorce, a girlfriend of mine told me to write a list of my “non negotiables.” So I did. He had to be this tall, he had to make me laugh, he needs to be employed, etc. What I found, is that during every date I went on, I barely listened to what they were saying and I was focused on the physical and materialistic attributes of that person and if they fit everything on that list. Nothing was happening organically and I realized pretty quickly that just as I’m not perfect, neither is he. We don’t live by lists in real life. There isn’t a perfect checklist that you mark off as you move along. I have all the friends I need. Check. I have my dream job. Check. I’m in a relationship. Check. Bought a house. Check. Things don’t generally go according to plan and sometimes the unexpected happens and you realize that those rules and lists that you have created are useless. You gotta kinda know what you want, but don’t be afraid of the unexpected. You might be pleasantly surprised.

7.  It’s not official until it’s on Facebook.
Oh man. This one is even tough for me. In this day and age, social media plays a huge part in dating. Girls seem to get it more than guys.  When you are finally committed in a relationship,  you so badly want to see that little notification pop up that he has listed you in a relationship with him. You get giddy, you approve it, it’s posted, and soon enough you have a ton of likes and comments and you feel….validated. The problem is, most guys will never do that, and getting them to even like or comment on a photo or post of yours is like pulling teeth. PDA these days is far more than kissing in public. Having a guy you are dating post a picture of you on FB or IG is like…..heaven. I’m in my mid 30’s and I would totally sigh over that. With all of that said, there’s something pretty cool about keeping it private for as long as possible. That relationship between the two of you is literally just between the two of you. Absent of outside influences and outsiders comments and advice and whatever else. It’s not tainted. It’s pure, and it’s just you two until it’s time to share with the world. I wish we could savor those moments and hold on to them tight because those moments don’t last forever.

8.  An ex is an ex for a reason. They should be left in the past and never spoke of again.
Not really. I sort of learned this the hard way. I married someone who had an ex wife and two amazing children (who I still consider my stepchildren). I was super jealous and did the whole….you can’t talk to her sort of thing….and it was one of the many reasons why we didn’t make it. It is very true. And ex is an ex for a reason. But sometimes, friendship prevails, and that is more powerful than the actual relationship, and he may still talk to her. And that’s ok. Now, if kids are involved, that’s a whole different ball game. They will talk every single day, at all hours of the day, if need be. And you have to really be alright with that. Those kiddos are number one, and they deserve that amicable relationship between Mom and Dad. Let those insecurities go. You’ll never win that battle.

I think that as I travel this path, this “pursuit of me”, I’m finding that I don’t have the answers. I suck at dating. It’s not a comfortable space for me. I love a good partnership and I long for a relationship but I dread the beginning stages. Just when I think I know what I want, I realize that I don’t really know. I’m absolutely mesmerized by relationships and I am scared of them to the core. It’s an interesting ride, that’s for certain, and one thing I know for sure is that the “rules” of dating are obsolete. They encourage dating to be this game which nobody ever really wins. And that’s not really what it’s about. It’s about choosing to love someone or not. It’s as simple and as complicated as that.