Love, me.

I went to Victoria’s Secret today and all I ended up buying was some 75% off lotion. I wasn’t planning on going there, but I had just come from clothes shopping and as I walked past that store, it started calling my name. When I walked in, the size 0 employee cheerfully asked if there was anything she could help me with. I was like…yeah right. I told her that I was interested in seeing what they had in the way of slimwear/shapeware. When I started to explain to her what part of my body I wanted to slim down she walked me all the way to the back of the store and led me to this desolate area in the fitting room. I felt ashamed.

Since I already embarrassed myself enough by making the walk of shame, I decided to look through the items. It was a body suit. One in a brief form and one in thong. I sat back there rustling through the packages until I found the ones I wanted to try on. Finally, the other size 0 employee came back to help me with a fitting room. She gave me a super weird disposable undergarment to try on in addition to the body suit and I was like….ok. She told me to ring the bell if I needed help. I looked at her and said “If I need help….like I got stuck? Or if I need another size?” Super annoyingly bubbly she answered “either!!!” Ok. Yeah totally, I’ll call you if I get stuck. Like, never.

I took my clothes off and I started to put this body armor on. I couldn’t even believe I was that flexible. The total of 10 days I had spent in the gym my entire life was finally paying off. I felt like I was in the middle of a yoga class. Which, by they way, I have never been in one. I just so happen to have friends who are insanely into fitness so as I’m scrolling through my Instagram at night, I see pictures of their contorted bodies. The only difference was that I wasn’t smiling like they do. I had this look of utter disgust and I was wildly out of breath.

Once I had this thing on, I looked at myself from the front and then the back and I was shocked. I looked absolutely terrible. The girl kept coming by my door and knocking on it asking I needed anything and I kept yelling at her “NO!” I sat in that room for about 10 minutes. Not going to lie, I wasn’t really sure how to get out of this thing alive. But more than that, I was wondering what the hell I was even doing there.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a huge proponent of taking care of your body. I love when I feel healthy. But in that moment, I didn’t feel healthy. I felt like I was about to spend $35 to make me look like something I’m not. I left everything I tried on in the fitting room, and I left. I walked by the lotion and perfume and I bought some crap that smelled good and when the cashier asked if anyone helped me today I was like…”Yes, absolutely. Her name was Chelsea and you have no idea how much she helped me.” This little 18 year old was like “cool” and she had no clue what happened in that fitting room.

I understand feeling vain. I never walk past a mirror without looking in it. I have a compact with me every single moment of every day. I take selfies like their going out of style and when I take one that looks good without a filter, I secretly say to myself “you’re welcome, world.” Although, that moment that I looked at myself trying to look like someone I’m not made me super sad. I don’t want to look like anyone other than myself. I don’t mind my curves, and I don’t care to cut back on wine to save the calories because I really like it and I’m not a quitter.

I don’t need to spend $35 to make me look different. My fluctuation in weight doesn’t define me. When I gain 10 pounds, I don’t lose my friends. In fact, they don’t even notice. And if I gained more friends because I lost some weight, I wouldn’t even want them in my life. I’m ready to look in the mirror and love me for me, absent of fear to make me look like a different version of me. I’m ready to love, me.