Awareness.

This time of year always causes me to be a little more reflective than usual. I think about the paths I have chosen to walk upon, the detours I haven’t been prepared to take, and the roads I have yet to drive upon. I find myself in a season that I am not familiar with. I am finding that I am less apologetic when I speak my truth. I am closer to God than I have ever been. I invite super good humans into my space and I am alright pushing the negative energy away. I am single, and it doesn’t feel good at all, yet I’m learning to be really alright on my own, absent of a man. Dating is exciting, of course, and super romantic during the holidays, but man, I am awfully gun shy. Can I risk yet another broken heart? Well, yes. I will.

Recently I was sort of talking to someone about my personality and it was really hard to explain it. I mean, I am 50 Shades of crazy and I’m passionate and caring and loving, etc. But I wanted this person to know more. I started explaining how I remember things. I don’t always the remember the actual fight or argument but I remember the in between moments. I remember the way he took a deep breath as he lowered his head in disbelief. I remember the way his eyes creased. And I remember the feeling of him pulling me into him as he was trying to end the struggle of us. I am so aware of this self of mine that perhaps sometimes I feel as if nobody can compete.

I went through a rough time in my life when I was in my early twenties. Without actually saying the words, I felt as if the world didn’t really need me in it. I went through several months of walking around aimlessly and constantly searching for something. While I was in the middle of being caught up of a whole lot of mistaken paths, I felt the need to take a step back and regain my footing.  It took months upon months. I remember vividly sitting in a room with a whole bunch of people who felt the exact same way I did and I remember a guy named Michael. He had been in and out of facilities for so many different reasons and it wasn’t until that particular moment when he decided to speak out of turn that it clicked for me. He said, and I quote, “Not everyone understands the way I am and they feel sorry for me a lot. But I’m so glad that I get to feel my emotions. Like, really feel them. When I’m happy, I am really happy. When I’m sad, I’m really sad. But I think I’m lucky.”  I get that.

My favorite color is turquoise. My favorite scent in the whole wide world is vanilla. My favorite sounds are waves crashing. My favorite weather is brisk and cold with the sun shining upon my face. My favorite thing to do is hold is my daughters hand. My favorite feeling of all is being in love. My favorite emotion of all is to cry. And laugh. My favorite childhood memory was walking into my house after school and smelling lemon scented furniture polish and seeing our house beautiful and clean (thanks Mom). My favorite thing to do was to hug my dad and smell Old Spice upon his skin. My least favorite memory would be the moment I saw him for the last time. My least favorite is when I fell off of my bike when I was younger and couldn’t breathe. My least favorite time was when I looked at my brother and he was unrecognizable, not only physically, but mentally. My least favorite time was when I was hurt in the most physical of ways. My least favorite time was reading a text message from a guy who changed his mind. My point is, I have favorites and not so favorites and I do not discount them because they are just memories. They are more than that to me.

I have no idea what is in store for me. I love this life of mine and I am ever so grateful for its victories and heartaches and failures. I know that when I find the “one” he’s going to have to hear all of my favorites and not so favorites and I will listen intently to his. I am ready to tell my stories time and time again and I am quite alright wearing this heart of mine on my sleeve. I am most comfortable when I’m vulnerable and I feel as if the universe is telling me to open up these arms and embrace it. I will never ever stop feeling these emotions of mine all of the way through. I would go mad if I didn’t.