Awake and still.

I remember learning about relationships at a very early age. I vividly remember being very aware of interactions between people. I can recall moments on the playground watching mothers and children scolding then laughing and being caught up in fiery conversations between lovers ending in tears and embraces. Early on, I believe I learned that relationships were built upon fighting and making up. Through my eyes I witnessed a constant of push and pulls. Want me, don’t want me, need me, don’t need me, go away and please stay forever. I carried those memories with me throughout my adult life and incorporated those movements into my own relationships. I’m not to solely blame in my failed marriage or countless failed connections, but I got lost in the turbulence and I sort of believed that violent ups and downs were normal. It wasn’t until much recently that I realized I felt more alive in the stillness.

In relationships, I have been accused of having a timeline for how things should progress. Date for a long while (but not too long), engaged, house (with a white picket fence), couple of dogs, get married and live happily ever after. I would like to squash those accusations because I understand a thing or two about this life and I am sort of a realist. Dating as a 39 year old is interesting to say the very least. I get the super young ones who are enticed by older (GULP) women or the older ones who are just going through a divorce and I am a fun distraction. Recently my ex husband remarried and while I felt absolutely nothing for him, I felt like I had failed somehow. I think I’m attractive. I work out. I have a good job, an amazing daughter, I support myself and so on. Why am I the one still single? It’s because I pushed an awful lot in relationships and at some point the pull became less than easy. No amount of muscle could have mended any of the relationships in my past because I was not equipped to hold myself up. My foundation. My core. They were flimsy at best. These moments needed to happen and they were necessary to wake me up.

I remember falling for a guy years and years ago. I thought I was ready, he wasn’t ready, and it never flourished. I thought about that guy from time to time. Fast forward 10 years, and the universe sort of pushed us into one another without any warning. It was the first time in my life I took a deep breath and allowed the elements to just happen without questioning and analyzing and second guessing. Well, I overthink things often, still, and he has learned how to temper those feelings within me. Is he my forever? Hope so. If not? I’m absolutely convinced that people come into our lives for a purposeful amount of time and that we should be ever so grateful for the time they are intended to reside in it. I am so lucky to know this man and I’d like to be still with him for a long while.

I think we all owe it to ourselves to forgive ourselves. The lessons we have learned from an early age are merely lessons that can be retaught. Our parents didn’t have “How To Teach Children” manuals and oh my gosh, we don’t either. I am so keenly aware of mistakes and failures that my parents stumbled upon just as much as I am keenly aware of the ones I have made and am probably still making. We have a tendency to glide through this life and gosh, if we are lucky enough, we will stand still upon the gale force winds we are up against. For the first time in my life I feel strong enough on my own. I fail on a consistent basis. I yell too much and I don’t hug enough. But my goodness, this life is one to not take lightly. It’s never too late to reinvent yourself. It’s not too late to start loving yourselves. Sometimes taking that path of least resistance is more gratifying than that thunderous sky you were under.

I used to think that the silent moments were much more maddening than the extremities of the super highs and super lows. Looking back? The monumental moments were sometimes harsh and left me feeling bitter, but they made me feel something rather than nothing. I am so thankful for time. I am thankful for forgiveness and clarity and for the stillness. I thank God for allowing me to feel those noisy moments and to remember them. I much more appreciate the quietness and my goodness, how alive it makes me feel.