Forty years

Life itself has a way about shaping us into the human beings we are. Our upbringing, schooling, family structure, tragedies, successes, downfalls and everything else in between. I believe we learn early on in our lives how to pick ourselves up from unjust situations based upon how others react to theirs. Innately and without instruction, we learn from watching one another. I remember when I was little I would watch interactions between couples with wonderment. I saw hugs and kisses as public declarations of admiration for one another. I saw fights as a way to make up. And I remember seeing sadness as a sign of such strength and honesty. Throughout most of my life I felt shamed for feeling my feelings through and for speaking out of term and for beliefs which strayed from the norm. After a lot of life and lots of people watching and navigating twists and turns and forty years, I finally have come into my own.

The relationships in my life today feel far different from the relationships I associated with in past years. I can see where I used to mold myself into whatever that person wanted me to be. If I was too emotional, I would fight back the tears. If I was too headstrong, I would become subservient. What I have learned over the years, is that every single time I would place a veil over those pieces of me, it was suffocating over time. I lost myself.

I don’t characterize myself as old, but forty feels different. I walk with more confidence. I lead a more purposeful life. I do not participate in relationships which do not lend to my wellbeing. I am aware. Idiosyncrasies do not disturb me half as much as those who do not think outside of the box. Small minded people have absolutely no business residing in my space and I will not tolerate them. I will take quality over quantity. Mindless chatter does not interest me in the least. I crave novels and instruction and education. I speak my truth, even when it’s uncomfortable. I continue to love hard. I will cry honestly and without hesitation or regret. I’ll take new paths and new routes and not be afraid through the uneasiness. I will forgive and forget. And gosh, I will sure hug so so so much more.

Someday my daughter will have these same revelations about herself as I have. She’s a deep thinker of a soul and she gets lost in written word, so I’m positive she is already stumbling upon them as we speak. As a single parent for most of her life, I know she has witnessed my mishaps and struggles. She has watched relationships come and go and brokenness ensued. We may not have the picture perfect family structure but gosh, our tribe is intentional and awfully beautiful. I am ever so grateful.

We’ve got one shot at this life. We are supposed to fall and we are supposed to experience difficulties and sadness and loss. But my goodness, we are entitled to feel such merriment. Dance in the rain, laugh so uncontrollably hard that you start to cry, shout out your public displays of affection, help one another in all things possible and live so greatly that you look back in such wonderment. Your future self will thank you.