I have only traveled outside of the United States twice in my entire life. I am not writing this blog as an experienced world traveler, but merely as a human being who travels through life with eyes wide open. I love to experience different cultures and I adore seeing people in their natural spaces. I’m not one for commercialized establishments and I don’t enjoy the tourist attractions as much as I enjoy stumbling upon real moments and people just simply living within their environment. I like the rawness and the unplanned days and just looking around while feeling grateful to reside in their space for a brief moment in time. Jamaica was nothing less than beautiful and gosh, I adored it wholeheartedly.

I remember getting off of the plane and entering the bus which would take us to our destination for the next several days and I remember the smile upon the drivers face. Happiness in every single twist and turn of the roads and such an openness to all of our questions. He was born and raised on the island and this was his home. He spoke of it fondly and honestly and with such strong regard that it was nearly impossible to not love it straight away just as he did. There were areas of poverty and areas of wealth and areas of in between. Every parish was just as beautiful as the next, regardless of the economic status. I noticed a string of unfinished homes and I immediately thought that they had run out of funding and stopped construction until they could afford it. Not the case. In Jamaica, you pay taxes on the land and not on the home. Houses are built in single story and they are occupied by a family until other family members move in and they build up. Very quickly, those unfinished homes resembled to me a family unit and a very strong one at that. Beautiful to see the strength in familial bonds and knowing that they will grow together amongst a myriad of generations in one structure alone. Captivating.

We mostly stayed at the resort and took some time to just relax and to check out from the real world for a bit. We ate, we drank, we lounged by the ocean and just took it all in. I needed to pick up a souvenir for my daughter so as we walked back inside to the resort, there were some locals selling jewelry and such on the other side of the fence. We stopped to pay them respect and gosh, their creations were drop dead gorgeous. They were not manufactured in a factory. No two were alike. Made with love. I asked if they were busy that day and they said we were their first sale. We paid $25 for a necklace, a bracelet and a magnet. That $25 was everything to them and they appreciated it so very much. It meant that they could eat, it meant that they could buy more supplies, and it meant that they could provide to their families. And oh my goodness, their smiles were everything. I’m awfully glad we stopped so that we could be in their happy space for a few minutes because my goodness, it felt really nice.

The last day were there, we were ready to go on an excursion to Blue Mountain which is Jamaica’s longest mountain range. We woke up to a very heavy rain and we were uncertain if the excursion would be called off or not. We knew that we had two choices. We could stay inside at the resort all day just watching it pour, or we could adventure a bit and take in some of the beauty of the island. We chose the latter and oh my heart, I’m so glad we did. We traveled by bus half way up the mountain where we stopped for some brunch and some Blue Mountain coffee. We learned about the plantation and we were able to see how coffee beans are roasted from start to finish. Blue Mountain coffee is one of the rarest of the world and it is costly because the space on the mountain is limited and the demand is so high. Many of the locals still harvest their own beans and roast them on an open fire and grind them themselves. If you ever get the chance to see for your own eyes how something is made, please do so. It makes you appreciate the product that much more because you recognize the time and the love that it takes to produce it and we should do more of that. I think there is a such a disconnect between us and the food and beverages that we ingest into our bodies and we should become a little more aware. I appreciate now more than ever the hands who make it and the soil which nourishes it. I hope I never forget.

Once we reached the top of the mountain, we were greeted by a few locals and some mountain bikes and we were ready to head down the mountain. Let’s be real here. I haven’t been on a bike since I was about 13. Not only was I a little rusty on my biking skills, but it was pouring rain and we were about to embark upon a bike ride which was greeted by endless cliffs. As we took off, I realized very quickly that I would not be leading the pack. I rode at leisure and at my own pace and for quite some time I did not take my eyes off of the rode to take in the scenery. I remember trailing behind and one of the locals who rode with us asked what my name was and he told me “Suzi, I’m going to be here for you and everything is irie. It’s no problem.” He sang down the mountain and every time I passed him, he checked on me and had the most cheerful smile upon his face. I remember biking through the small town and taking deep breaths in and out and it was the first time I started to look up from the road. I drove past some beautiful little houses and smiled with some of the nicest of folks as I passed them. I will never forget the long stretch of rode that I cruised upon as the torrential down pour began and I couldn’t do anything but smile and to feel that cold rush of water and warm breeze upon my skin. For a moment I felt as if it seeped into my bones and cleansed my soul. I haven’t been able to escape that feeling since it happened and I truly believe with my whole heart that I probably never will. Something happened on that bike ride and I’m going to hang on to it for all of my days.

Irie. It’s a Jamaican saying which means everything is alright and fine. I learned so much on this trip. I learned that we as human beings do not look up enough. I think we have a tendency to begin our days tired and wearily and we rush to beat the clock. We get ready so fast and we run out of the house and we are impatient in rush hour traffic and we get easily annoyed by the driver in front of us for not driving accordingly. We judge. We are lead by emotions. We want more and more and more and we forget about the things that we already have. We may not have the white picket fence or the owned home or the superfluous name brand clothing or purses. I will tell you this much. If you take the time to look up, you might just discover that you have more than you will ever need. You have your health. You have a warm home. You have friends and you have family and you have the gift of interacting with others. You get to hug someone. You get to smile. You get to breathe. And most importantly, you get to love. The constant rush of running from one thing to the next is perhaps in our nature, but maybe it’s time to slow down and walk. Sit down. Enjoy the environment swirling around you and the skies you are under because my goodness, there are no problems. Just situations. Everything is irie.

Our concept of time is very interesting. We want time to speed up when our children are little so that we can hear their first words and see their first steps. We want time to slow down when they reach High School and we reminisce about the younger years. We slow it down when we are in the middle of an awe inspiring moment because we want it etched in our memory banks for all of time. We fast forward when life throws us curve balls and we long for moments of stillness so that we can revel in the smooth terrain of life. Time is the most certain of dimensions. It’s going to happen. It passes at the same speed for every single human being. If we’re lucky, we figure out in our lifetime how to seize the moments we exist within and appreciate the heck out of them. Because they happened and they are a part of your story and that’s a pretty remarkable book to hang on to.

I tend to get a little more sentimental on the eve before my birthday. My mind turns into a camera reel and it just plays every single clip from the past year. This particular one was tough. The strength of my family was put to the test and we were tired and worn down. Vagueness is my specialty, and in this particular instance, I will follow suit. Situations happen in life and while we would like to think they could have been controlled, they just can’t be. We can waste our time wondering why things happened the way they did or we can utilize that energy in a more productive manner and see to it that justice is served. And it was served well. Moving on.

With each year that passes, I understand much more clearly the magnitude of being a kind human being. We live in a world which tends to feel pretty heavy with tragedies and terrorist acts and killing sprees and fighting and racial inequality and small mindedness when it comes to someone’s sexual orientation. The before mentioned acts are inconceivable to me and gosh, I am ever so thankful to be surrounded by some beautiful humans who shake their fists at the same absurdities that I do. In the midst of such impenetrable obscurity I have learned to smile more. I smile at the waiter helping me at the restaurant. I smile at the person who stopped to let me pass him in line at the grocery store. I smile at the UPS delivery guy as he drops off packages. I smile at the homeless woman who sits at the bus stop with all of her belongings to the left of her. We walk around in life sometimes with blinders on. If that person in front of us looks slightly different than we do, we think that they are wrong. Y’all, it’s time that we remind ourselves that we are not the standard. You may have a shiny new car and fancy house with the white picket fence and the coveted job, yet you just might be missing out on a whole lot more. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I run across folks who live outside or in their car and they look a whole heck of a lot happier than the person stuck in their car during rush hour in their power suit. Honestly. Study them sometimes. I think it’s in their eyes. The way that they smile. I have come to realize that life feels really good when you appreciate one another and encourage every single human to live as freely as they possibly can. I mean, that’s the same respect I wish for in return. So let’s do it.

I’m reminding myself a lot more these days to be more gentle on this self of mine. If I speak about myself negatively, I am essentially inviting others to do the same. I am not perfect in any sense of the word. I struggle with insecurities and self doubt and acceptance and it’s sometimes a daily struggle to steer my thoughts in a different direction. Sometimes I feel like I reinvent myself every day. I am constantly reminded of the Alice in Wonderland quote “It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.” I feel like we change as time passes. I happen to be quite in tune with my thoughts and my energy so I understand when I feel out of sorts. I used to apologize incessantly for those mood changes, yet now I have come to realize….that’s who I am. Sometimes I am needy and sometimes I crave aloneness and oftentimes I want to hear a steady stream of banter and other times I want to leave that party just as soon as I got there because of the nonsensical chatter all around me. I crave intimacy and compliments and I want to be heard and sometimes I don’t listen well enough. I am a constant work in progress and I am thankful for all of the jagged little pieces that make up the compilation of me. I wish this realization upon every single human in my life. It’s better to just outright love yourself and if you feel like you never really have, there’s no time like the present.

Forty one trips around the sun have proven to be quite the adventure for me. If there is one thing I know with certainty, is that life moves. It’s ever changing. If we spend our seconds upon minutes upon hours contemplating and second guessing and over analyzing, we sort of miss out on the greatness of unplanned moments. Here’s to another trip around the sun. “Happiness, not in another place, but this place, not for another hour, but this hour” ~ Walt Whitman.

Life itself has a way about shaping us into the human beings we are. Our upbringing, schooling, family structure, tragedies, successes, downfalls and everything else in between. I believe we learn early on in our lives how to pick ourselves up from unjust situations based upon how others react to theirs. Innately and without instruction, we learn from watching one another. I remember when I was little I would watch interactions between couples with wonderment. I saw hugs and kisses as public declarations of admiration for one another. I saw fights as a way to make up. And I remember seeing sadness as a sign of such strength and honesty. Throughout most of my life I felt shamed for feeling my feelings through and for speaking out of term and for beliefs which strayed from the norm. After a lot of life and lots of people watching and navigating twists and turns and forty years, I finally have come into my own.

The relationships in my life today feel far different from the relationships I associated with in past years. I can see where I used to mold myself into whatever that person wanted me to be. If I was too emotional, I would fight back the tears. If I was too headstrong, I would become subservient. What I have learned over the years, is that every single time I would place a veil over those pieces of me, it was suffocating over time. I lost myself.

I don’t characterize myself as old, but forty feels different. I walk with more confidence. I lead a more purposeful life. I do not participate in relationships which do not lend to my wellbeing. I am aware. Idiosyncrasies do not disturb me half as much as those who do not think outside of the box. Small minded people have absolutely no business residing in my space and I will not tolerate them. I will take quality over quantity. Mindless chatter does not interest me in the least. I crave novels and instruction and education. I speak my truth, even when it’s uncomfortable. I continue to love hard. I will cry honestly and without hesitation or regret. I’ll take new paths and new routes and not be afraid through the uneasiness. I will forgive and forget. And gosh, I will sure hug so so so much more.

Someday my daughter will have these same revelations about herself as I have. She’s a deep thinker of a soul and she gets lost in written word, so I’m positive she is already stumbling upon them as we speak. As a single parent for most of her life, I know she has witnessed my mishaps and struggles. She has watched relationships come and go and brokenness ensued. We may not have the picture perfect family structure but gosh, our tribe is intentional and awfully beautiful. I am ever so grateful.

We’ve got one shot at this life. We are supposed to fall and we are supposed to experience difficulties and sadness and loss. But my goodness, we are entitled to feel such merriment. Dance in the rain, laugh so uncontrollably hard that you start to cry, shout out your public displays of affection, help one another in all things possible and live so greatly that you look back in such wonderment. Your future self will thank you.

We live in absolutes. Always, forever, eternal, all or nothing. We want certainty and we never seem to be happy until we reach that grandiose higher level of being that we have made ourselves to believe is so attractive. I wonder if we move throughout our days as authentic as we believe we are. Or are we running through this life with masks upon our face trying to get through the maze which society has made up for us. I’m not quite sure of the answer, actually. I do know for certain that our souls are meant for a little bit of not so sures and I don’t knows and inconsistencies and let downs. Perhaps happiness is nestled within the incongruity of life’s patterns and is found within all ways and not just the absolutes.

William Shakespeare once wrote, “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars but in ourselves.” I think we have this romantic and idealistic notion that anything in which happens to us, good or bad, is the universe speaking to us. Do I hold truth to some pretty dreamy ways? Of course I do. But I am also a realist. In relationships, I am a sucker for magnetic pulls. I feel like two humans are drawn to one another never by chance and always for purpose. When two people come together, they bring a whole entire ensemble of luggage which trails behind them for all of eternity. Sometimes the bags are pried open, sometimes they are overflowing and anxious to come undone and oftentimes the zipper is broken and all is confined for a long while. It’s finding the one who appreciates the struggle. The one who will help lift and carry and also the one who sometimes allows it all to falter. Relationships are tough, man. It’s finding the one who will take all of your seconds and minutes and years leading up to this one and appreciating the not so dreamy of ways. Because we make mistakes and live with fault. It’s the human in us.

I think that our stories in life are comprised of jagged little pieces. None of them really quite make sense, so we become a little frustrated when we can’t complete the puzzle. It’s human nature to want to make every little thing fit. I think there is such beauty in the unevenness of our stories. I think that marriage that didn’t quite make it was pretty noteworthy because you made some amazing children and shared some amazing moments in this grand life of yours. That time you wanted that job so damn badly and it failed was just a stepping stone to something you never even realized you wanted. I think that shattered heart was just what you needed in order to realize that you are capable of loving again. I think that home in which you were forced to move out of wasn’t the shelter you really thought made you safe. I think we make choices in life and I think we make them consciously and we don’t give ourselves enough credit for making them. I’ll take the good with the bad and the sad with the happy. I don’t need my story to appear seamless because that’s an unattainable and lofty goal to achieve. I wouldn’t want it anyway.

I think we should own up to our shortcomings and our happily never afters and we apologize and hug and try so hard to not repeat patterns. Invite that person over to dinner whom you never thought you would speak to again. Say goodbye to the person who doesn’t breathe life into you any longer. Begin again with that person you’re on the fence about. Lend yourself and your energy to the things that don’t quite fit into such a perfect mold because gosh, those are things which will make you feel alive. They will challenge you and they will extract the realest of feelings from that self of yours. Happiness comes from all ways. Love and appreciate every single jagged puzzle piece in front of you because they are forming your very imperfect, albeit drop dead gorgeous, self that you are.

I’ve always been the type of girl who finds comfort in normalcy. I usually take the same exact route to places I have been, I live in one place for a long while, and I like what I know I like. Oftentimes I think that lends to my creative side because while I don’t act upon out of the box experiences, I sure dream about them. I can sit for hours upon hours dreamily plotting out my days and I revel in the uncertainty of unplanned moments. I love the idea of driving aimlessly and finding little shops and restaurants with longtime owners and endless hours of operation and stories upon stories. Recently I discovered a whole lot more than I was really anticipating and I have heard that traveling out of the country will do that to a person. I feel ever so fortunate for being changed.

When I was invited to travel to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, I thought of the typical partying scene and drinking as we stepped foot off the plane and walking around like we owned the place. As soon as we landed I realized that the trip would be anything but that. As I walked right past the bars and the folks drinking in excess, we stumbled upon a bus which took us to our hotel, and it was the beginning of everything. I sat there with eyes wide open on that little trek and I observed all I could possibly take in. Between the toll booths and the baroness upon each side of the road and the driving laws which seemed to be open to interpretation and the cool AC buzzing in the van, I realized pretty quickly that I was anywhere but home. Although I felt very comfortable.

San Jose del Cabo, Mexico will forever have my heart. I remember sitting upon the church pews in an old mission church in town and looking upon the intricate details upon the vaulted ceilings. The walls held in such promise and it took in so much gratitude amongst the locals and non locals who took time to take to their knees and pray. While this historic church had been moved several times since the mid 1700’s, it appears to have found its forever home and the town seems to adore it quite a bit. I recall looking upon the structure in awe and admiration for the hard work entailed in creating that space. I also remember not praying for myself in those moments of quiet. I prayed for the humans surrounding me and for the ones who tirelessly built the structure that I was so grateful to pray within. That little church was sweet and I’ll carry it with me wherever I go.

I remember walking through the streets of that little town and feeling proud to be there. Some of the roads were made of cobblestone and some were paved imperfectly and some of them had ramps and stairs to travel upon. I was grateful for the hands who built such strong foundations for me to walk upon. I was thankful for the ones who cleaned them tirelessly and who made them safe. Nearby art galleries surrounded the historic district and those walls housed some of the utmost beautiful artwork I have ever laid my eyes upon. If you were lucky, you would stumble upon one of the artists amidst his newest creation and watch him with wondrous eyes. This town was only like everything.

I was glad to visit one of the most prominent vacation destinations which was Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. When Mexico’s government decided to turn Cabo into a major center for tourism in 1974, it guided the masses to some of the most amazing beaches, surfing, and fishing that Mexico has to offer. I hopped onto a glass bottom boat and took a tour of the arch of Cabo San Lucas which is a distinctive rock formation at the southern tip of Cabo. While the scenery and the wildlife was stunning, it was the tour guide who made the entire trip memorable. Tony had been working as a guide for over 10 years. His family would often ask him how he could possibly enjoy working the same job, with the same route, upon the same ocean day in and day out. His answer was simple. The people. Every single tour was different. The people were different. Their hometowns were different. Their conversations were different. Every single person he encountered stumbled upon the glimmer in eyes as he spoke of his hometown a little differently every time. Some may have sat in silence, some may have engaged with him, some may have rolled their eyes. Yet they heard his story differently with every word spoken and with every affliction in his voice. He was no doubt one of the coolest cats I have ever encountered. Tony, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to believe that I loved your city just as much as you do in those 45 minutes we were together. Best boat ride of my entire life.

I recall quite vividly one of the most spectacular nights of all. We went to a pretty popular spot for dinner and it was alright. Food was great and entertainment was pretty lively. When we walked out, we stumbled upon a little bar. I wasn’t certain I wanted to walk in because I was pretty tired and worn out. Jazz Tapas Bar. San Jose Del Cabo. The owner, Roberto. If you haven’t met him, you ought to. One look into this guys eyes and you know immediately why he owns these digs. He loves his family. His wife, his children, his grandchildren. He will work until the wee hours of the morning if need be to take care of them and gosh, he loves San Jose with his whole entire being. This place was drop dead gorgeous and their hospitality was a whole lot of goodness.

On our final day, we traveled to Hotel California in Todos Santos. Although folks wildly believe it has direct correlation to the infamous Eagles song, it does not. It was founded in 1947 by a Chinese immigrant who lived in the hotel with his family. In the late 1980’s the hotel had become quite neglected and it was refurbished by a Canadian couple in the early 2000’s. The hotel is stunning with 11 rooms and a gorgeous restaurant with some amazing food and some of the prettiest artwork known to man. The best part of that day trip? Walking upon the streets of the city. Entering the stores which were owned and operated by some strong women accompanied by their children. This city thrives upon tourism and rightfully so. I have found that you can haggle some prices, but it’s important to know when it’s apparent that you are being offensive. These humans wake up earlier than you and I do to tend to their shops and they probably close later than we are used to staying open. Walking upon side streets, I looked into some of the makeshift shops and noticed babies lying upon blankets with fans blowing upon them to keep them cool. Children sit with old TV’s and apples in their hands to occupy their time while their mamas are working tirelessly to make money to provide food and shelter their families. As we scoff at paying $10 for a beautifully crafted beach towel, I am reminded that we make no apologies for spending $15 on a factory made one at local department stores back at home. If you decide to take the time to stumble upon one of these shops, please take the time to respect their work. It’s pretty beautiful.

This was my first visit outside of the country and I acquired my very first stamp in my US Passport. Along the way, I have heard that traveling will forever change a person. Sure I have travelled within the States, but it pales in comparison to travelling outside of the US. I realized an awful about myself and I began to wonder about the people I walk alongside of. I think we live in a society where we put ourselves first. We tend to have a skewed vision of the importance of things we want and need. We chase what we want every single day. More things. We want what is tangible. Clothes, money, jewelry, items. If we don’t feel it upon our skin, it’s not something we have. What if we realized that our needs are vastly different from our wants? We need one another. We need to talk to the person next to us even if language seems to be a barrier. We need to shake hands. We need to smile. Need to hug. We need to understand even when it seems nearly impossible to do so.

I think we spend so many seconds upon minutes upon hours chasing our wants which in the end nearly bankrupt us. I sort of think it’s time to change our focus. This world is so entirely great and I think we are so jaded by what the media wants us to believe. I think it’s time to catch a flight, catch a bus, take a walk. Chase the goodness in life, because man, it’s out there.

Four years ago I started this little blog of mine to feed my artistic soul. I thought only about 5 people would view it and it would fizzle out. I am so unbelievably proud that through the years, I have received many texts and comments from friends and family letting me know that they have found themselves within the pages of my posts. Hundreds and thousands of views later, I am in awe and super appreciative that you have taken the time to read my rants. Once upon a time I was told that I would never amount to anything without a certain person by my side, so thank you a thousand times over.

This past year has been so very interesting, to say the very least. I went though a heck of a time professionally. I have always been so proud of my work ethic and I have always been able to weather storms, but this past year was ridiculously challenging. I felt as if I was questioned on the daily. I was being second guessed. I wasn’t a shining star and I wasn’t a favorite any longer. It took a whole lot of set backs to really humble myself and I used those moments to reflect and to change. The biggest lesson in business that I have learned is that I don’t have to roar the loudest. I can sit back and observe and I can revel in the newness and embrace change and I can learn just about anything. Change is super daunting to me and I have learned that it’s alright to admit that and it’s alright to apologize for my shortcomings. I am not perfect.

I have had my heart broken a thousand times. This past year is no different. If you have followed any of my blogs, or have simply known me for a period of time, you will know instantly that I love hard and recklessly. Oftentimes I do not pay attention to warning signs and I jump in with my eyes wide open. I experienced one relationship in particular that sort of made me take a step back. I don’t think that relationships happen haphazardly. I believe they exist intentionally. I think that I needed to feel the ebb and flow of this particular one because it was so eye opening to me. I loved so huge and I also despised so greatly. I created a lot of doubt and insecurity in this person because I was so unsure about my own self. I deeply regret casting those feelings upon him but I feel like we are better off. I have learned in relationships to not produce walls. I am so convinced that walls have roots and once they are torn down, they grow up taller and stronger. Boundaries are ok. I will not accept this and I will not stand for that. I am convinced that relationships thrive upon healthy boundaries. I want a love who understands it’s not all rainbows and butterflies and smooth sailing. I want a person who chooses me every single day while I choose him right back. There’s a boy who entered my life without any warning and I think I am lucky that the universe has pushed him and I into one another. I hope with my whole heart that we are both ready because he makes me smile a lot and I would like this feeling to last for a long while.

Single parenting is not for the faint of hearts. I don’t want to dwell upon my situation, but I am unfortunate enough to not have the other parent in the picture. Children need both parents in their lives, and while I have tried so hard to facilitate that in our particular situation, it’s just not destined to be. I am both Mom and Dad and I am raising a teen, and god damn, it’s more than difficult. This past year has been one hell of a ride. I have seen her vulnerabilities and her strengths and her failures and her apologies and her everything in between. I have witnessed her coming into her own. She is a little body full of heart and love and dislike and she is opinionated and realistic and idealistic in the same breath. She is immaturity thrown into a world of making her grow up way too quickly and she is navigating those channels the very best she can. She is the very source of my gray hair and the deepest of my laugh lines upon my face. She is going to change this world someday and I have every single ounce of hope that she will make it a thousand times better. She is truly maddening and magnificent simultaneously and it’s that fire which is necessary to provoke change. She’s the very best.

I am entering 2018 the healthiest (physically) I have ever been. This past year I decided to make a change. I started to take trips solo and I began to travel upon paths unknown. I have traveled to the ocean and I have stumbled upon paths along rivers and lakes that I have never ever taken. I have met some amazing people along the way and I have shared some drinks and most importantly some amazing conversations. Some of those people will become lifelong friends and some of them were only meant to be in my space for that particular moment in time. I love my solo adventures and I while I have been so frightful of them in years past, I am no longer afraid. I understand how to keep myself safe and I know how to find myself when I am lost and I know how to ask for help. I love human interactions and I believe that there is such goodness in the world. I’m lucky to have experienced a ton of it. Here’s to another year!

Next year I will be forty. It used to be a difficult number for me to mutter, but I am embracing it with my whole entire being. I am more certain of myself than I have ever been. I am not a stranger to apologizing for my mishaps or for throwing my hands up in the air when I can’t figure something out. I am going to fail continuously and I am going to forgive myself on the daily. We catch ourselves saying all of the time “life is too short” yet it’s the longest thing you and I will ever experience. It’s time to live it fully and completely and without abandon. It’s time to forgive those who have hurt you. Understand those who have misunderstood you. Love the humans who hate you most. And follow that beautiful soul of yours. Embrace all of years and months and minutes and seconds which have led you to this very moment. Hello, 2018.

I remember learning about relationships at a very early age. I vividly remember being very aware of interactions between people. I can recall moments on the playground watching mothers and children scolding then laughing and being caught up in fiery conversations between lovers ending in tears and embraces. Early on, I believe I learned that relationships were built upon fighting and making up. Through my eyes I witnessed a constant of push and pulls. Want me, don’t want me, need me, don’t need me, go away and please stay forever. I carried those memories with me throughout my adult life and incorporated those movements into my own relationships. I’m not to solely blame in my failed marriage or countless failed connections, but I got lost in the turbulence and I sort of believed that violent ups and downs were normal. It wasn’t until much recently that I realized I felt more alive in the stillness.

In relationships, I have been accused of having a timeline for how things should progress. Date for a long while (but not too long), engaged, house (with a white picket fence), couple of dogs, get married and live happily ever after. I would like to squash those accusations because I understand a thing or two about this life and I am sort of a realist. Dating as a 39 year old is interesting to say the very least. I get the super young ones who are enticed by older (GULP) women or the older ones who are just going through a divorce and I am a fun distraction. Recently my ex husband remarried and while I felt absolutely nothing for him, I felt like I had failed somehow. I think I’m attractive. I work out. I have a good job, an amazing daughter, I support myself and so on. Why am I the one still single? It’s because I pushed an awful lot in relationships and at some point the pull became less than easy. No amount of muscle could have mended any of the relationships in my past because I was not equipped to hold myself up. My foundation. My core. They were flimsy at best. These moments needed to happen and they were necessary to wake me up.

I remember falling for a guy years and years ago. I thought I was ready, he wasn’t ready, and it never flourished. I thought about that guy from time to time. Fast forward 10 years, and the universe sort of pushed us into one another without any warning. It was the first time in my life I took a deep breath and allowed the elements to just happen without questioning and analyzing and second guessing. Well, I overthink things often, still, and he has learned how to temper those feelings within me. Is he my forever? Hope so. If not? I’m absolutely convinced that people come into our lives for a purposeful amount of time and that we should be ever so grateful for the time they are intended to reside in it. I am so lucky to know this man and I’d like to be still with him for a long while.

I think we all owe it to ourselves to forgive ourselves. The lessons we have learned from an early age are merely lessons that can be retaught. Our parents didn’t have “How To Teach Children” manuals and oh my gosh, we don’t either. I am so keenly aware of mistakes and failures that my parents stumbled upon just as much as I am keenly aware of the ones I have made and am probably still making. We have a tendency to glide through this life and gosh, if we are lucky enough, we will stand still upon the gale force winds we are up against. For the first time in my life I feel strong enough on my own. I fail on a consistent basis. I yell too much and I don’t hug enough. But my goodness, this life is one to not take lightly. It’s never too late to reinvent yourself. It’s not too late to start loving yourselves. Sometimes taking that path of least resistance is more gratifying than that thunderous sky you were under.

I used to think that the silent moments were much more maddening than the extremities of the super highs and super lows. Looking back? The monumental moments were sometimes harsh and left me feeling bitter, but they made me feel something rather than nothing. I am so thankful for time. I am thankful for forgiveness and clarity and for the stillness. I thank God for allowing me to feel those noisy moments and to remember them. I much more appreciate the quietness and my goodness, how alive it makes me feel.

I sat in a sermon weeks ago and my Pastor asked each of us what was keeping ourselves from losing ourselves in our lives. God, work, relationships, parenthood, etc. He gave us a post it note and encouraged us to write down the one thing that kept us from loving that thing wholly and completely. Mine was easy. It’s fear.

I wrote that word down, worshipped with all of my might, forgot about it for a little while, and revisited it. Do I truly love with all of myself? Do I set conditions upon things that aren’t concrete and tangible? Do I surrender myself to the elements which are lofty and abstract? I like to think that I do, but I don’t really think that I do.

I am super great in business. It has been my one constant in life for the past 20 year and thank God, it has been unwavering. I understand it. I go to work every day and I know that I am going to hustle and I have my little to do list and I check everything off (mostly) and I do it all over again the next day. It’s not scary to me because it has never let me down. It’s the one absolute palpable thing in my life that I’m really good at. Relationships on the other hand? Different story.

My love for words came about at a very early age. I remember feeling my life spin out of control at a certain age and I sort of got lost in written word. I felt comfortable in the scientific and romantic ideals of philosophers such as Nietzsche and Descartes and I read about them incessantly. I learned that words were certain. When my life seemed to twirl into a complete oblivion, those pages never failed me. I read them literally and exactly. As I got older, I started painting. I went from perfectly scripted landscapes to completely uninhibited abstract and it was then, and only then, that I got lost in the unknown. I started to feel a little bit alive.

Relationships are my most feared things in the whole wide world. They are so full of uncertainty and I can’t understand the hell out of them. I carry this wall. I sometimes think it’s going to take a strong person to knock it down or at least chip away at it, but in reality, they will not alter it in the least. I am completely tethered by fear. I love the human experience, don’t get me wrong. I love people in their entirety. I love the mistakes and the risks we don’t take and the love we love and everything in between. We are such a fascinating species and I could watch the interactions all day long without an ounce of sleep. Relationships to me are far from absolute and they scare me to the core.

I find myself looking at that post it note every single day and reveling in the concreteness of the word: FEAR. There are so many absolutes in life. Life and death. Sickness and health. Right or wrong. I am learning to let go of the restraints of words and the absolutes and learning to love with all of my might, despite myself. To love something so much, so untethered and so freely, is the absolute most beautiful thing in the whole wide world. I pray that everyone gets to experience that in some form in their lives. Me included.

This time of year always causes me to be a little more reflective than usual. I think about the paths I have chosen to walk upon, the detours I haven’t been prepared to take, and the roads I have yet to drive upon. I find myself in a season that I am not familiar with. I am finding that I am less apologetic when I speak my truth. I am closer to God than I have ever been. I invite super good humans into my space and I am alright pushing the negative energy away. I am single, and it doesn’t feel good at all, yet I’m learning to be really alright on my own, absent of a man. Dating is exciting, of course, and super romantic during the holidays, but man, I am awfully gun shy. Can I risk yet another broken heart? Well, yes. I will.

Recently I was sort of talking to someone about my personality and it was really hard to explain it. I mean, I am 50 Shades of crazy and I’m passionate and caring and loving, etc. But I wanted this person to know more. I started explaining how I remember things. I don’t always the remember the actual fight or argument but I remember the in between moments. I remember the way he took a deep breath as he lowered his head in disbelief. I remember the way his eyes creased. And I remember the feeling of him pulling me into him as he was trying to end the struggle of us. I am so aware of this self of mine that perhaps sometimes I feel as if nobody can compete.

I went through a rough time in my life when I was in my early twenties. Without actually saying the words, I felt as if the world didn’t really need me in it. I went through several months of walking around aimlessly and constantly searching for something. While I was in the middle of being caught up of a whole lot of mistaken paths, I felt the need to take a step back and regain my footing.  It took months upon months. I remember vividly sitting in a room with a whole bunch of people who felt the exact same way I did and I remember a guy named Michael. He had been in and out of facilities for so many different reasons and it wasn’t until that particular moment when he decided to speak out of turn that it clicked for me. He said, and I quote, “Not everyone understands the way I am and they feel sorry for me a lot. But I’m so glad that I get to feel my emotions. Like, really feel them. When I’m happy, I am really happy. When I’m sad, I’m really sad. But I think I’m lucky.”  I get that.

My favorite color is turquoise. My favorite scent in the whole wide world is vanilla. My favorite sounds are waves crashing. My favorite weather is brisk and cold with the sun shining upon my face. My favorite thing to do is hold is my daughters hand. My favorite feeling of all is being in love. My favorite emotion of all is to cry. And laugh. My favorite childhood memory was walking into my house after school and smelling lemon scented furniture polish and seeing our house beautiful and clean (thanks Mom). My favorite thing to do was to hug my dad and smell Old Spice upon his skin. My least favorite memory would be the moment I saw him for the last time. My least favorite is when I fell off of my bike when I was younger and couldn’t breathe. My least favorite time was when I looked at my brother and he was unrecognizable, not only physically, but mentally. My least favorite time was when I was hurt in the most physical of ways. My least favorite time was reading a text message from a guy who changed his mind. My point is, I have favorites and not so favorites and I do not discount them because they are just memories. They are more than that to me.

I have no idea what is in store for me. I love this life of mine and I am ever so grateful for its victories and heartaches and failures. I know that when I find the “one” he’s going to have to hear all of my favorites and not so favorites and I will listen intently to his. I am ready to tell my stories time and time again and I am quite alright wearing this heart of mine on my sleeve. I am most comfortable when I’m vulnerable and I feel as if the universe is telling me to open up these arms and embrace it. I will never ever stop feeling these emotions of mine all of the way through. I would go mad if I didn’t.