Getting ready for a first date is like….terrible. I don’t believe anyone who says they look back at their dating years and recall them to be the best years of their life. And if I hear one more married woman look at their single friend (me) one more time and tell me how jealous they are and how I should be enjoying this time of my life….I’m going to go insane. Actually, I kinda get it. I think the idea of dating could be a little dreamy when you have been married for years upon years, and your spur of the moment adventures and romantic dates are replaced by pizza on the run because you have to take Johnny to soccer practice and you had zero time to prepare a healthy dinner because, well, you work until 5 and practice starts at 5:45. And by the way….these supermoms out there who prepare their meals ahead of time, on the weekends, and they are all labeled and compartmentalized strategically in the freezer….you aren’t human. I don’t know what you are.

So about two years ago, I went through a pretty difficult divorce. I started dating pretty immediately. I know I know, everyone told me to wait. Everyone said to give myself some time to heal so that I could “find” myself. What the what? Find myself? I’m here. I know who I am. I’m a strong woman, I’m a mother, and I’m totally aware. #somuchnope. I wish I would have listened. I will never forget my first date after my divorce. He was the first guy to show some interest in me, and I had all of these idealistic and unreal expectations. We texted a ton prior to going on our first date. I probably secretly thought that he was the “one.” We went on our date, we kissed, he left, I left…..and that was the end of our love affair. He stopped texting and I was crushed. Clearly, he did not invest in this date mentally like I had. To him it was probably pizza and beer with some chick. Well to me, it was like, a knight in shining armor to make my ex jealous. High expectations mixed with bad timing, is a strong lesson learned on my part.

Ok, fast forward two years. To right now. I still don’t know what I want. But I will say, I know what I don’t want. I have been on many first dates. I have had many “I appreciate you taking me out but I will never ever ever call you again because you were under the impression my clothes would come off on the first date” dates.  (God, I hope my pastor isn’t reading this).  And I’ve had  a few that have lasted quite a few months but timing was everything, and the time wasn’t right now. Then I had that one. The one that made me stop dead in my tracks. The one that made me question everything and made me feel like I was everything. And it scared me fully and completely because I realized that I had masked all of my hurt over the years by filling it with a whole lot of first dates and ….you know….the other kinda dates I don’t want my pastor to read about. While that love affair was real and exciting….it was difficult.

So here I am filling my time with blogging about my failed marriage and first dates that never seemed to quite take off. But I realize now that there is a reason for all of the above. While I’ve been so busy and consumed with pursuing and looking and trying to find the hidden messages and intent on analyzing and picking apart every single scenario and conversation and break up…..I lost me in the pursuit. So it’s time I rearrange that last sentence….

Online dating, specifically, is the devil. Now, with that said, that is how I primarily date these days. It’s convenient, it’s quick, and you can read their lies…I mean their profiles..from the comfort of your own home, while drinking wine and watching Real Housewives. It’s exciting to see who viewed your profile, and the little “dings” that pop up on your phone notifying you that someone added you as a “favorite” or “winked” at you or grew some (fill in the blank here) and messaged you. So, you read the emails, and you start weeding thru the ones that say “hi :)” and “wanna have some fun? ;)” Oh the best are the ones that incorporate the jokes you made in your profile into their pick up lines. I don’t know, some girls may think that’s clever and endearing. I think it’s dumb. Then you find the one that peaks your interest…”Hey, I read your profile, liked it, take a look at mine, hit me up if interested.” Because honestly, that’s what it’s about. As a side note….pictures DO matter. #sorrynotsorry. Guys, if you’re not strong selfie takers, don’t take them. Don’t pose next to your car and don’t take mirror selfies at the gym. And girls…oh my…don’t upload Instagram pictures with obvious filters because in real life, there are no filters. He’s gonna find out. No bikinis, no boob shots. It’s not a good look.

So, you see some good pics and now you are ready to read their profile. Ok. Long walks on the beach…too cliche. I think it goes without saying that everyone in the world would like that. But I live in the country, and the closest beach is about 2 1/2 hours away and I’m sorry, but I’m not going to the beach on a first date. Ain’t nobody got time for that.  Oh, and don’t dwell on the fact that you work out religiously and enjoy healthy living and eat super healthy. Trust me. We all enjoy a healthy lifestyle and strive for that, but  most women out there are just like me. I don’t mind ordering a pizza and eating 4 pieces while watching reality tv in my sweats on a Friday night. And I will probably eat a bowl of ice cream afterwards and I will not work out on Saturday morning. So guys, it’s intimidating, and annoying to read.  Another of my personal faves are “wine by the fire.” Who does that?? Like, really. First of all, it’s summer and about 100 degrees and that does not sound enticing. Secondly, I am still not convinced that anybody does that. Ever.

Ok, so you read a profile with good pics and a decent write up and you start messaging one another. “Hi.” “How was your day.” “Do anything fun over the weekend?” Oh.My.God. As if chatting with a perfect stranger isn’t awkward enough, now I have to lie to him. I can’t possibly tell him my day began with my daughter telling me she hated me and slammed every door in the house because “you just don’t understand MOM!” And I can’t tell him that my boss pulled me aside at work to talk to me about my crabby attitude because well, I hate my job. I also can’t possibly tell him I didn’t do anything over the weekend because I checked my bank account and I have no money to even buy milk. So….I respond “Great! Had an amazing workout before work and I just met up with some friends for drinks and apps over the weekend. It was pretty chill.”

Then…..the moment. You fed him enough lies about your fake life and he asks for your number. You give it to him. And then….well, that’s my next blog. #thepursuitofme