And the years fly by.

In less than a month, my daughter will be in middle school. First off, I could barely even type that sentence without my screen looking blurry from my tears. Secondly, I have put off writing this blog because I have been a total and complete wreck.  I find myself looking through old pictures more and more these days. I find myself starting out conversations with “remember when…..” and I can barely finish my thought. I remember the day that I walked her to her Kindergarten class like it was yesterday. Her blonde hair hitting the top of her brand new backpack which was upon her brand new dress and she skipped along to class in her brand new shoes and she placed her little hand in mine and held on for dear life. Or, maybe that was me holding on tight.

That first day turned into a very fast paced lifestyle and one year just sort of seemed to run into one another without warning. When you are pregnant, people seem to throw advice at you every chance you get. One of the main things people tell you is to enjoy every minute you possibly can, because you are only a first time mother once. There is something so absolutely magical about it, even through the morning sickness and the emotional roller coaster you embark upon throughout your pregnancy. I will never forget one piece of advice that was thrown my way years ago, and it was so long ago that I forget who told it to me. They said “enjoy your years prior to your daughter starting Kindergarten, because once they get into the school system, time will fly by and before you know it, they are graduating.” Man, was that the truth. Spot on.

I have always worked full time, ever since I was 18 years old. Once I became pregnant and I had my daughter, I always knew I was going to go back to work. I had, or have, a thriving banking career and financially I had to go back to work to support my family. I was very fortunate to work for a company who understood the importance of parenthood and I was able to work out my schedule so that I could volunteer in her class every Friday for an hour. I did that up until 3^rd Grade and then work became more demanding, and I was unable to volunteer in her class as regularly as I would have liked to. And in reality, it wasn’t really super cool for her to have her Mom in class, so there’s that. Many nights I would come home from work and prepare treats for her class the next day, or help her with some elaborate school project that was due yesterday because she failed to tell me about it a month prior when it was actually assigned. I walked up that hill to her classroom on many occasions with my cell phone ringing, my highest of heels, and my hands full of Valentines Day treats for her class.  All while dropping everything to wrap my arms around her friends who came in for a hug. I was late many mornings to work because she couldn’t quite convince me that her hair or her teeth were brushed. I left work with every phone call I received from her saying she had a sick tummy or achy bones. As difficult as it is to juggle a career and single parenting, it’s my normal. I wouldn’t trade my life for anything.

I look back at those years and I love that I was her phone call. I was the one who chased away the monsters under her bed and I cuddled with her while watching that Disney movie for the 100^th time when she couldn’t sleep because her night light burned out.  I was the one who would tuck her into bed and pray that she would fall asleep super quick so that the “tooth fairy” could swap  her tooth for money because the fairy was so damn tired all she wanted to do was go to bed. But she didn’t. She stayed up for hours until it was safe to go in.

All of these thoughts have been sort of stockpiling in my mind for the past year because I’m realizing that I probably will not ride this ride again.  As I walked her to class on her first day of school several months ago, I realized that would be the last first day in elementary school. I cried as I made that lonely walk back to my car, and the tears really didn’t subside as I drove off. They also come back every now and then. Recently she had a field trip with her class and she asked me if I would chaperone and I jumped at the chance. She even wanted me to ride the bus with her and her friends. As I’m typing away right now, she is actually on the way back from her 5^th grade coast trip where she spent the last couple of days camping and making memories with her friends. It all sort of hit me on Monday morning as I dropped her off at school and waited with her until the bus came. I wanted to take a picture of her and she was mortified. I managed to get one picture but she was totally not excited about it. She barely hugged me as I walked away and I looked back and she was already having the time of her life with her friends. I couldn’t grip her little hand in mine like I used to. I try to every chance I get, but not because she needs it. I try so hard to hold on to that little blonde hair blue eyed girl whose eyes would swell up with tears if I tried to walk away from her. Now, she barely looks back. I find that in those moments she is learning her independence and exercising her strength. There’s an awful lot I can learn from her, actually. In the meantime, I’ll treasure the fact that she still expects the tooth fairy to visit her and I’ll never ever stop taking pictures.